Things I’m no longer allowed to do at the SGC
by Linwe Elendil
Summary: Just a fun, random list of ways to annoy people at the SGC. There will be more later, so feel free to email or PM me with your ideas! More details inside.
1. First Impressions

**Disclaimer: I think it would be obvious, but I don't own the rights to the Stargate franchise. Doh!**

This exercise was inspired by an Atlantis thread I saw on imdb. I thought it would be fun to do for SG-1, so here it is! If I can think of any more, they will be posted in new chapters. Also, feel free to email or PM me with ideas of your own! They will be credited to the first person who submits them (provided you leave your name with your idea). All seasons are fair game.

Have fun!

:-)

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**Things I'm no longer allowed to do at the SGC:**

Play hide and seek with the Ascended Daniel (it's no fun, anyway).

Put on the holograph projector of General Hammond and get everyone to do the Macarena.

Put on the holograph projector of Daniel and get everyone to do the chicken dance.

Put on the holograph projector of Jack and get everyone to do the hokey pokey.

Make a holograph projector of myself and put it on Teal'c's back as he walks past.

Go to Area 51 again.

Call Thor and tell him, "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi – you're my only hope."

Bring an extra shoe to show him how the other footwear falls.

Ask Thor when the last time was he went on a date.

Contact the Asgard again.

Yell, "He's dead, Jim!" while helping out in the infirmary.

Play with the defibrillator paddles.

Whisper to any sick or injured personnel that I can get them a good deal on a symbiote.

Go into the infirmary.

Make lightsaber noises when handling a staff weapon.

Shoot annoying people with a zat – just once!

Convince the newbies that being hit with a zat tickles, then ask them if they want to see…

Go into the armory.

Play "made you look" jokes on Teal'c.

Play "keep away" with Teal'c's tritonin.

Walk up behind Teal'c and yell, "Cree!"

Ask Teal'c what brand of eye shadow he prefers.

Go within 20 feet of Teal'c (Dr. Frasier's suggestion – since I'm still banned from the infirmary).

Switch Daniel's coffee to decaf.

Ask my nephew to write something in chicken scratch and take it to Daniel for translation.

Hide Daniel's glasses on top of the stargate. (How was I supposed to know the vibrations would shake them off? Or that they'd fall into the vortex?)

Go within 20 feet of Daniel.

Follow Carter around asking, "Why?" after everything she says.

Follow Carter around making funny faces behind her back while mouthing, "Blah, blah, blah."

Follow Carter and stare at her butt. If she asks why, say, "I'm waiting for an idea to come out."

Piss off Major Carter. (Does putting steak on a black eye really help?)

Follow Colonel O'Neill and ask if he's seen how hot Carter is today.

Get O'Neill's cabin address from the personnel files and stock the lake with real fish!

Record a bunch of techno-babble from Carter and play it in his quarters when he's sleeping.

Steal his P90 when he isn't looking.

Replace all his MREs with Fruit Loops.

Go near Colonel O'Neill or touch anything that belongs to him. (Those training guns hurt!)

Ride my bike through the SGC (I figured it would be fine – the Colonel did it!).

Play golf through an open wormhole (see above).

Ask Sergeant Siler just what exactly he uses that HUGE wrench for!

Get a voice modifier from the training supplies and walk around all day sounding like a Goa'uld!

Put some fan fiction in the SGC library for Jonas to stumble across.

Walk around shouting, "Urgo, don't you ever shut up?!"

Steal all the Jell-O from the commissary.

Enter Cheyenne Mountain again. Who would've thought Jell-O was so important?!

* * *

So, got any more? ;-)


	2. Here we go again

**Things I'm no longer allowed to do at the SGC (part two):**

Walk around behind Daniel saying, "Oma, Uma." (Get it?)

Walk up to a Tokra and say, "What's shakin' snake-head?"

Tell Jacob I want to be a Tokra for Halloween and ask where I can get the cool duds.

Tell the Tokra if they want to stop their race from dying off, they should learn not to leave their people behind!

Speak to the Tokra again.

Start up a drinking game for every time Teal'c says, "Indeed."

Steal Teal'c's candles (and hide them in Daniel's office).

Give Teal'c a book on Freudian dream analysis.

Use General Hammond's red phone to call my mom.

Hang posters of The Avenger in Colonel O'Neill's quarters.

Record _The View_ over his _Simpson's_ tape.

Hack into the mainframe and change the spelling of the Colonel's last name to O'Neil.

Do the same to his locker and dressing room space.

See if the one with two L's really does have a sense of humor. ;-)

Modify my Darth Vader costume and walk around acting like a super soldier.

Ask Daniel how to say "crap" in all the languages he knows.

Ask Daniel how to say "DIE!" in all the languages he knows.

Ask Daniel how to say "moron" in Russian. (Only because the Russian program messed up. I have nothing against the country!)

Ask Daniel how to say "you suck" in Goa'uld.

Ask Jack to teach me how to juggle.

Try to lie in order to avert suspicion for all the pranks going on at the SGC. (I swear I'm nota za'tarc!)

_**Now, for the suggestions I've already received!**_

**Cottage Ghost:**

Put a sticker in front of the gate ramp that says, "Objects in wormhole are way, WAY further than they appear."

Call the maintenance crew to "unclog" the gate.

Fill O'Neill's coffee cup with stuff to pick out of it (dust, lint, tea leaves, eraser shavings).

Make mosquito sounds every time Teal'c is nearby.

TP every statuette in Daniel's office, then drop by to ask if he has seen my "mummy" (okay, groan if you must).

Put up a "Gone Fishing" sign on the door to Carter's lab every time she steps out.

**Athena:**

Sing "Row, row, row your boat" within hearing range of SG-1.

Dangle cheap jewelry in front of Vala while saying, "You know you want it…"

Make "Yo Gramma" jokes around Colonel Mitchell.

Ask if Thor has to use the potty before launching into hyperspace.

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I'll take more suggestions! Anybody have some?


	3. The Time Machine & All Things Daniel

Disclaimer: Same old sad news… Even sadder, 'cause I'm watching season 9 now, and Jack's gone! :-(

**

* * *

**_Let me preface this by saying that I realize the time machine only works for periods of time greater than 100 years. This is all in fun, so we'll just say I head to the year 1400 first, then go forward in time again to the year I'm aiming for…_

_And I should probably also mention – I think Daniel is __**HOT!!!!!!!!**_

_(Always have.)_

Go back in time to when the Russian Colonel is dying from lack of an immune system – and give the poor man some Tretonin!!!

Go back in time to when the Prometheus was being built and tell them to put the ring room _a lot_ closer to the bridge!

Go back in time to when Daniel suggests they get Ra's ZPM from 3000 B.C. – and zat him!

Go back in time to the end of season 6, get myself ascended, and stop Oma from stopping Daniel from killing Anubis when he had the chance!

_(Note to self: go to the gym __**a lot**__ before doing this. So I'll look good when I'm found naked somewhere…)_

Go back in time to the beginning of the 9th season and tell Daniel to either shave or loose the glasses. (Either by itself is sexy, but I just don't like the two combined!)

Borrow my nephew for a day and take him to the SGC. Find Daniel, show him the boy, and say, "Machello… he's _yours!_"

Wear my modified Darth Vader costume, slap Daniel across the face, then ask him if I should kiss it better. (Or maybe I'll just do it anyway…)

Beg Vala to tell me where she put the bracelets from the Goa'uld Nut. (Guess which archaelogist I'd snap one on?)

Stand around General O'Neill's office whenever SG-1 goes missing. Just in case Daniel turns up naked again. ;-)

_(I'm just gonna stop there. Once I reach the point of talking about Daniel being naked…well, things can only get worse. And I don't write that kind of stuff!)_

_**On to the suggestions I've received!**_

**Paladin13:**

Give SG-3 (the Marine Unit) a box of red shirts.

Tape over the Colonel's Simpsons collection with JAG

Hide any of Siler's tools and/or his First Aid kit.

Dye Carter's hair black or claim that Helen Magnus from Sanctuary is her long lost sister.

**ValaMalDoran-Jackson:**

_(Paraphrased a bit to fit the flow… Hope that's okay, Vala!)_

Steal Saran Wrap from the Commisary and help Jack wrap Daniel and Sam to whatever latest device they've been studying.

_(Then I say we hit the fire alarm!)_

Tie a sleeping Sam in her chair, leave the room, call her office phone, then go in once the ringing stops and ask her why she didn't take the President's call.

_(He was calling to let her know the frat regs have been abolished. You'd think she would've wanted to answer that one, huh?!)_

* * *

I'll admit, mine weren't that great. All the episodes I've been watching lately are serious. I'm waiting for things to get funny again. In the meantime, I'm in mourning for the loss of Jack on the show. The next chapter will be about him!

Well, mostly…


End file.
